I like to be honest here on my blog. And honestly – I’ve not been doing very well lately.
I thought that once we were in the process of moving house it would be more positive and I would cope with our situation better, but I’m not. I’m constantly emotional, doubting everything that God has ever said to me and thoroughly annoying everyone around me in the process.
Maybe you’ve noticed my lack of posts, maybe you haven’t, but I’ve been struggling for inspiration and desperately trying to cling on to the God I know and love. Some people talk about a battle that takes place within, between good and bad or right and wrong. Maybe it is that angel on one shoulder and demon on the other. Maybe it is something else. But the last few weeks I have been, and continue to, fight a battle within myself. Not necessarily on of good versus evil, but one of trust versus mistrust. And once that seed of doubt is planted it takes a lot of digging to get it out.
So here I am being honest. Please forgive me for not inspiring you all at the moment and not writing about my mission. The thing is that I everyday I am just struggling to not cry, and even though I know I probably am loving others, I am certainly not choosing to go out of my way to do this or to do be a good example. I am existing.
But that’s not where I want to be. This week my husband spoke some words that I needed to hear – am I actually enjoying living in this sad place? The answer was probably yes – it had become home and the stress and misery was what I knew best then. But now I know I don’t want to live in that place anymore – I want to be a mum on a mission out there in the world with a desire to share the good news of Jesus. I want to have energy and zeal and shine the love of Jesus everywhere I go. So I am asking for help and starting to rewind to where everything went wrong.
A couple of months back when we started the whole moving house process, I felt God remind me of the pillar of cloud and fire that went ahead of the Israelites when they were travelling in the desert. Whenever the pillar moved (God’s presence with them), they moved. Whenever it stopped they stopped. They fully trusted God to lead them out of the desert place that they were in. Right now I am in a desert place and I know that God is the only one with a map of the way out. I need him more than ever now. At the time I thought the verse was just about where we should physically live, and that the cloud of his presence has moved from our current house to our new house, but actually the spiritual significance to me right now is even more.
So there you have it. A little confession and a little bit of my low point for you. If you are there in the desert too, then remember its only God who knows the way out – follow his presence and you will get out at some point. But its a journey and I know that I can’t expect to be right as rain tomorrow, or even the day after we move house. But as long as I am following that pillar of God’s presence I know I am heading in the right direction.