Through the tears

INTRO: So I wrote this post last week but didn’t really want to publish it.  It was a little too raw then, but I have had a week now with God changing my heart and He really has.  But as my blog is one of journeying through motherhood and encouraging others, I feel like I should share it as it is real and raw and open.  Please do share your comments below but I would ask that you are mindful of the place that I am in right now (hormones and pregnancy emotions do not make the best environment for taking hurtful remarks or making life decisions!!).      

Ok, I am going to be brutally honest here.  I found out that our second baby is going to be another boy.  And I am disappointed. 

Now I know that will be a shock for some to hear – all life is amazing and I am still incredibly happy and grateful that I am pregnant (for so many this isn’t a possibility) and that the baby is healthy (again, for many this isn’t true and they have other battles to deal with).  But in complete openness, I was hoping for a girl and a part of me, deep down inside, is upset and disappointed that it is a boy again.

With my first pregnancy I refused to find out what it was, sort of wanting to join in that whole “surprise!” adding to the experience thing.  But again, if I am brutally honest, it was because all I dreamed for was a girl and I thought that if I found out it was a boy at 20 weeks I would have been devastated.  The preferable option was to find out in the delivery room where I would be so exhausted and happy it was out of me that I wouldn’t care, and that is sort of what happened!  

Two years on and I love my little boy to bits.  I wouldn’t change a thing about him or my life.  And I know that in 5ish months, when baby number two pops out (it is that simple you know!!) that I will be filled with joy and that I won’t be able to imagine anything different.  But right now, in this moment, I am sad.

I guess it is because I am not sure if I want to be pregnant another time, and I am definitely not sure if I want to go through it all again for a third boy!  I took my feelings to the safe place of a Christian Mum’s group on facebook and such wisdom came out.  They confirmed that it is ok to be feeling this way, that in a small part it is like grieving for the daughter that I might not get to have.  That doesn’t mean to say that you don’t love or want your son, it is just that loss of something else.  One lady reminded me that those who wrote the psalms put all their feelings out there – they didn’t hide their disappointment with God or their anger.  Instead they brought it all to him, the happiness and the sadness, and said “God – what do I do with this?!”

So I am sure in a few days this feeling will pass, and I am going to work through it all with my Father God who knows much better than I do what is best for me and my family.  In the meantime, someone shared this blog post with me and I found it really helpful, so perhaps you might like it….

3 thoughts on “Through the tears

  1. desertmum1 says:

    Love this. Love your honesty and openness – so refreshing, and so what we need to have in Christian community! Thank you 🙂 Our previous vicar and his wife have five sons – they are amazing. I wonder if they ever hoped for a girl? I don't know – but what I do know is that they have a wonderful family bond, and Mum gets her 'girlyness' through her wide group of female friends, mentoring young women and engaging with lots of crafts and cooking alongside others who love that too. (Sorry, that wasn't supposed to sound sexist, it's just I think her boys aren't so much into the craft!!) You will be a wonderful mum to your boys, and they will have so much fun growing up together. Have you seen the blog about raising boys? I just tried to find it but couldn't. It's written by a Christian mum of 3 boys (I think) and is on the Mumsnet Bloggers' Network. She would be an encouragement definitely! 🙂

  2. Mumto3boys says:

    I just wanted to say this could have been written by me! It has taken me nearly 11 years to finally say what you have said. For a long time I was scared to talk about it as I thought people would judge me and not understand! But it is exactly like grieving a child I never would have. We knew our 3 child would be our last. And I had convinced myself that it was a girl as my pregnancy was so different from my first 2 boys, plus everyone told me I was definitely having a girl because of my bump!
    When we found out it was our 3rd boy at our scan I cried and couldn’t stop crying. Every time someone asked us what we were having I would cry as I’d always get back -“so are you going to try again for a girl” this didn’t help with my already massive guilt. My youngest is 11 now and I still get asked this question!!
    I became a Christian 8 years ago and it was because of my youngest son! He had been born 6 weeks early and the minute I saw him I melted as any mum would due to how tiny he was! During his first 18 mths he was in/out hospital very ill with a problem with his bowel(unrelated to being early). At 6 months old I nearly lost him he was that ill, it was at that moment looking at my tiny baby in intensive care, that I first felt Gods presence. I felt him saying all life is precious regardless of sex! I had spent so long wanting a girl that I never really appreciated the 3 beautiful gifts from God that are my sons.
    I want to thank you for sharing this as I wish I had read this years ago to just know it’s normal to feel this way!
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
    God Bless you

    • Rachel Ridler says:

      Thank you for your kind comments, and for understanding exactly how I feel! I can now say that I am overjoyed with my sons, but that aching is still there for the little girl I may never have. Your story is incredible and I hope you are still enjoying your three gifts from God. x

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